That Little Kiss You Stole, It Took My Heart And Soul
by SkinnyLittleSlut
Summary: After Sirius gets sexually assaulted by two girls he never thought would, and turns to cutting to deal with the resultant self-hate, will James realise his best friend is falling apart right in front of his eyes? Eventual J/S. Rated M for self-harm, rape, some drinking and the occasional curse. Not a song-fic, but inspired by Deathbeds by Bring Me The Horizon.
1. Chapter 1

**_So, this is a story I thought up at 4am with the song Deathbeds by Bring Me The Horizon on complete repeat for the whole hour it took to write this. There's some lyrics from the song randomly scattered in italics throughout. Also, I'm sorry I haven't been updating any other stories, but I'm kind of losing inspiration a lot, so a story like this is rare. Enjoy? I guess?_**

**_Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K Rowling, all lyrics belong to the band Bring Me The Horizon, this laptop belongs to Apple, the words belong to whoever the hell decided to create words in random cavemen times. Whatever, but I own the story so suck it :3_**

_That little kiss you stole, it hurt my heart and soul_

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. Fuck! He couldn't breath fuck _fuck fuck fuck_!

Sirius began to hyperventilate even worse than before, leaning over his messy bed as he gasped for air. He could hear the hammering of his own heart in his ears and he felt like his face was physically swelling as he sobbed worse than he ever had before. His chest ached, his head ached, but worse than any of that, his lower extremities throbbed.

Sirius kneeled over onto his bed, clutching his chest, and in a matter of seconds the pillow in front of him was soaked with tears. Even his sobs were slightly hysterical, and he felt bile rise up in his throat at the force of which the tears were coming.

He ran to the bathroom, leaning over the toilet and violently throwing up. He was still crying in between gags, trying desperately to keep breathing.

When nothing more would come up, he collapsed onto the bathroom floor, gasping in relief at the shock of the cold tiles. The coolness calmed him down somewhat, and he felt himself relax slightly, breath coming more easily to him now.

A few hours later, Sirius uncurled himself from the bathroom floor and yanked himself up, taking a deep breath and flushing the toilet. He staggered back to his bedroom, slamming the door, and stared at the suffocatingly warm-looking quilt. Changing his mind, he ran back into the bathroom, turning on the shower, stripping, and leapt in.

He kept his eyes closed, trying with all his might not to remember what was fighting to resurface.

He kept his own touch light as he scrubbed the disgusting mixture from his upper thighs and the top of his hips.

After a few minutes Sirius he was crying again.

He sat down on the floor, bowing down his head and letting the intentionally cold water run down his spine until he was calm again.

An hour later, Sirius tried to get up, but his numb legs gave out, sending him back to the floor. He held out his arms to break his fall, and knocked a razor down with him.

Sirius cursed, examining himself to see if the evil metal had nicked him. It had, as a matter of fact, and as the water coursed over it the sudden sting made him swear again. He picked up the razor, scowling, and threw it against the wall. It didn't break, so Sirius resorted to repeatedly smashing the plastic with a bottle of conditioner until it cracked.

Five blades began to wash down the drain, and Sirius went to catch them.

One cut his thumb, annoying him further, and he angrily fished the pieces of metal from the stream and slammed them down onto the side of the tub. He was so angry all of a sudden, and he clutched the longish strands of hair stuck to his head, swearing in a higher pitched scream before bursting into tears again. The heavy weight on his shoulders and chest felt like it was suffocating him, just as her hands had, and Sirius slammed his head against the wall, trying to crack the memory from his head. He did it over and over, still pulling his fringe, until the dull ache engulfed his head and shot down his neck. Sirius groaned in pain, resting the sore spot against the condensed tiles and taking deep breaths to calm himself down. He stood up gradually, wrapping the blades in toilet paper and bringing them to the bedroom with him. If his mother saw them, she'd freak out at him.

Stashing them under his pillow, Sirius curled up on the sheets, kicking the quilt aside, and fell into a light sleep.

The next morning, a drowsy Sirius woke at around three in the afternoon. He dragged himself out of bed, and pulled on a shirt to hide the deep scratch marks down his back and the bruises across his collarbones. Downstairs, his mother ignored him, more concerned with her guests.

Her guests.

_Her guests._

They were _here._

In the _house_ they were here in the _house._

Sirius tried to act casual, willing his hands to stop shaking, willing his lip to stop trembling, willing his eyes to stop stinging.

But when Bella winked at him, greeting him with a kiss on the lips, he felt a cold mist descend around him, and nausea rose from his stomach. He took a deep breath, wiping the cold sheen of sweat that broke across his forehead, and forced himself to give her a tiny smile.

But when Narcissa crept up behind him, running her sharp nails deliberately across the cuts down his back, and murmured in his ear "Thanks for last night, little slut. You were a good ride." and winked at him, Sirius couldn't handle it anymore. He excused himself, walking as slowly as possible up to his room and shut the door quietly. He then slid down the wooden base, gasping for air as he once again verged on a serious panic attack.

"It's over, it's over, it's over." Sirius whispered to himself as tears streamed down his face.

_Then again, you probably enjoyed it, little SLUT._

"Nonononono." he muttered raggedly, his grey eyes widening as he clamped his hands over his ears.

_SLUT._

"I'm a slut." he whispered.

_SLUT._

"I wanted it." he sobbed.

_SLUT._

"I should be punished for wanting it so much." he cried.

_SLUT._

Sirius stared at his pillow.

_SLUT._

The sharp little pieces of metal could punish him for wanting it so much.

_SLUT._

Sirius took the metal from the tissue, collapsing onto the floor, and dragged the sharper end from his knee to his hip.

_Slut._

The voice dimmed a little as Sirius mimicked the first cut, diagonally this time, across his inner thigh.

_slut_

Sirius kept on dragging, barely blinking the tears from his eyes. He could barely see in the dim light of the room.

_.._

The taunting voice finally disappeared, and Sirius dropped the blade. It had finally deemed him punished enough. For now.

Sirius curled up on the floor, sobbing his heart out. His mouth turned down as he tried to breathe, his chest aching horribly and his face soaking wet.

* * *

_And like a ghost in the silence, I disappear _

Sirius woke up on the floor with a tear tracks staining his face. He looked down, barely reacting to the sight of his right thigh.

Blood had dried all over the leg, pooling beneath it and staining the entire floor. Sirius got up, his face impassive, and went into the bathroom. He went through a full roll of toilet paper before he finally found the angry red groves causing so much blood to flow. Scarlet still absently dribbled from the wounds, so he just sighed, limping back into his room with the paper clamped down on the cuts, and found some tape to secure it there for now. He put his jeans back on, and walked slowly out of the house, being careful to avoid anybody.

He needed a cigarette.

He was 15 years old, but because of his height, he always got served in the shops around where he lived. He bought a pack of twenty, but after sitting on the damp bench outside for half an hour, he realised he had chain-smoked his way through pretty much all of them. Sighing again, he bought more, ignoring the odd look the manager gave him, and began to wander around absently. His only comfort was the knowledge that school began again in a week, and for the rest of the summer, his parents would simply ignore him. After 6 weeks of being inhumanely punished for the simplest mistakes, the last week was always allowed for the gashes and the bruises to fade away. No more curses, no more screaming. Just simple, cold silence.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sirius!"

Sirius inadvertently flinched away from the suffocating embrace of his best friend. James, seemingly oblivious to Sirius' newfound hypersensitivity to touch, wrapped the scrawny boy in a tight hug, pulling him as close as possible.

Sirius begged his body to relax as he felt his chest tighten.

_'It's just James, James would never hurt me. James. It's James. My best mate. He wouldn't hurt me.'_

Then again, he had thought the same about the cousins he used to love.

He pushed James away as hard as he could, feeling his breathing rate rapidly increase. His hands were shaking again, but he forced himself to meet the hurt hazel eyes of his best friend.

"Hey." Sirius greeted, forcing himself to offer the other boy a strained smile.

James frowned, opening his mouth to comment.

"We should get on the train. Wouldn't want to miss our train, right?" Sirius said, with fake enthusiasm. James nodded, seeming to buy Sirius' facade, and excitedly led the other boy to the compartment right at the back of the train to meet their other friends.

* * *

_Can we simply starve this sin?_

"Hey Padfoot, you want any of this?"

James, Remus and Peter were all sat on one side of the compartment, surrounded by a mountain of sweets and chocolate they had bought from the trolley. They were all looking at him expectantly, as he normally ate the most out of all of them. He considered saying yes, but just the thought of putting food into his mouth made him feel physically sick, so he said no.

"Are you sure, mate? You've gotten really thin."

Sirius nodded. He was hunched up on the opposite seat, knees drawn up to his chest. He was dressed in a long sleeved jersey and jeans, absently running his fingers along the protruding line of his collarbone.

"How come?"

_Because I'm a disgusting slut who doesn't deserve to eat?_

"I'm saving all my appetite for the feast. You know how it is."

Sirius winked at his friends, putting up a fake exterior because it seemed to make them happy. They chuckled, returning to the sugar, and he made jokes and quips with them.

None of them even seemed to realise that behind that smile, he was completely dead inside.

* * *

"Fucking hell Sirius!"

James was almost crying with laughter, watching Sirius as he coughed and coughed. He had been having the fit for almost two minutes straight, and nothing had ever made a slightly tipsy James laugh as much as he was right now. James knew that Sirius had the occasional cigarette, but over the last few days, especially the first night that they had been here, he had been watching Sirius, in awe and light confusion as he watched the other boy smoke his way through a pack of twenty without even seeming to realise he had even started. And the aftermath, watching Sirius having coughing fits and having no clue why, was the funniest thing in the world to James.

After another few seconds, James finally sympathised with Sirius. He looked for a drink, but finding only Firewhiskey, he shrugged and handed the bottle to Sirius.

Thinking it was water, Sirius drank a good few gulps of the liquid before the burning started.

"Ahhh!" he gasped, trying to breathe through the scalding sensation running down his oesophagus.

This only made James laugh even harder.

"Prongss…you absolute wanker..!" Sirius coughed.

The brief flash of happiness Sirius had felt whilst laughing with his best friend suddenly drained away, and much to a drunk Sirius' embarrassment, he felt tears running down his face.

"Padfoot..wha-?" James stuttered, staggering over to Sirius. He enveloped the other boy in a hug, ignoring the familiar stiffening, and just loosened the grip enough for Sirius to get away, knowing it was a lost cause but still willing to try.

Much to his surprise, Sirius remained in his grasp, clutching onto James' shirt as he sobbed, burying his face into James' comforting chest and hiccuping drunkenly.

James felt familiar twinges in his lower abdomen, but ignored them. Him being drunk had exacerbated the repressed feelings he had for Sirius, and them being so close to the surface scared James slightly. Normally he would had withdrawn away from Sirius until his buzz faded, but tonight he knew that wasn't a possibility, so instead he just held Sirius, knotting his hands in the dark hair and rocking back and forth.

When Sirius fell asleep, James picked up the incredibly light boy and carried him up to the dorm. Remus and Peter were fast asleep, so James dropped Sirius into his bed. He was about to get up and go to his own bed, but tiredness coupled with reluctance to leave Sirius' side took over and he lay down next to his best friend, falling asleep a few seconds later.

* * *

"Guys!"

A cup of ice cold water doused over Sirius and James woke them both instantly.

"It's almost two in the afternoon! How drunk were you two?"

Sirius groaned, throwing an arm over his throbbing head as he hissed at the light filtering in through the window. He felt a body next to him turn over, and stiffened in shock.

"J-james?"

"M'awake.."

"J-james, w-what are y-you doing in my b-bed?"

"Dude, chill. We didn't have sex or anything. I must have crashed here last night. Arghh my head kills."

James sat up, rolling over Sirius and stumbling into the bathroom.

Sirius began to hyperventilate.

He hadn't been in bed with anyone since..

He blocked the memory, squeezing his eyes shut and waiting for James to emerge from the shared bathroom.

A few agonising minutes later, James dragged himself out from the toilet. Sirius ran past him, flipping the shower on and then vomiting heavily into the toilet. Tears were staining his face as he finished, and climbed into the shower, perching on the rim and reaching under the bathtub for the three hidden blades there.

He used to have five, but two bent after particularly violent cutting sessions.

Oh wait, make that three.

Sirius swore as blood gushed from the wound. He must have nicked something. Like an artery.

_Good, maybe now you'll die you worthless little slut._

Sirius slid down the edge, under the jet, holding pressure to the wound and grimacing.

He heard a tentative knock on the door.

"Padfoot? You alright? I heard swearing."

Sirius didn't answer, more focused on the darkness beginning to spot on his vision. He released his grip on the cut, closing his eyes when the room did a 120 degree turn.

James came into the room, of course, when Sirius didn't answer, and yelled a curse when he saw the crimson water splattered on the rim of the bathtub.

* * *

"Sirius?"

Sirius groaned, half-opening his eyes. He was in his bed, for some reason. Didn't he have classes?

"J-ames?" he croaked, recognising the voice that had called him.

James' worried eyes swam into focus, staring at him intently.

"Cutting?"

Sirius moaned in dismay, flipping over and burying his head into the pillow. James' pillow, he noticed.

"Why am I in your bed?"

"Because you are. Deal with it. And don't change the subject."

James sure didn't beat around the bush.

Sirius breathed in, inhaling the scent of his best friend before turning over again.

"Cutting." he carefully confirmed.

James sighed heavily, sitting down next to Sirius.

"Why?"

Sirius shook his head violently, closing his eyes and trying desperately not to re-live the memories.

"Sirius." James' calming voice pulled him back to reality, but he didn't stop shaking his head.

James climbed over Sirius and put his arms around the boy, ignoring the protests.

"Sirius..did someone..like, did someone force you to..you know. Have sex with them?"

Sirius choked a little, trying to regain normal breathing rhythm.

"Guys don't get forced by girls, Prongs. That's just fucking pathetic." he sobbed.

"No."

James' firm voice made Sirius open his eyes half-way.

"It can happen either way, Sirius. Just because it's a girl doesn't mean it's not..you know. Rape."

Sirius felt himself break a little at that word.

"She..I..I didn't want them to! They..were..supposed..to..love..me!" he hiccuped.

"They?"

Sirius didn't answer.

"Sirius, look at me!"

He didn't.

"Sirius, look at me! It was more than one girl?"

Sirius nodded his head, barely even moving. He had began to shiver, shakes wracking his thin body.

James switched position, leaning in front of James and grabbing his hand.

"Tell me what happened, Siri. Please."

Sirius took a deep breath, opening his grey eyes.

"It..it happened a few weeks ago. You know my cousins, Bellatrix and Narcissa?"

James nodded numbly.

"Well, we were having a little party. Just us three. We stole some Firewhiskey, but I only had, like, a glass! I don't know why I felt so fucking weird. I should have stopped them!" Sirius sobbed.

"What happened then?"

"Well..they held me, and Bellatrix, she, she, she took my jeans off..and she was saying all this stuff, and, and then Narcissa she..she..James, they raped me! I tried to tell them no, but she had her hand over my mouth and I felt so fucking heavy!"

"Sirius, it's okay.."

"No, no it's not, and Narcissa, the next day, she said I was a little slut, a good ride! They're my cousins, and I didn't stop them! I'm so fucking disgusting!"

"No, no you're not!" James cried out. His hands were shaking in anger at the story, but he reached forward, pulling Sirius backwards, and letting the other boy's head rest on his chest as he cried. He ran his fingers through Sirius' hair, rocking him like he did last night.

A few minutes later, James sat up.

"Let me see your cuts."

"N..no." Sirius sobbed into the pillow.

"Siri, please! Let me see." James begged.

With his eyes closed, Sirius staggered upright, pulling his shirt over his head and pawing his jeans off. He stood in front of James with tears running down his face, letting the other boy examine him.

"There, there I am. I'm fucking ruined. Fucking damaged." Sirius cried.

"No, you're fucking beautiful." James said firmly, standing up and gently running one of his fingers across a deep cut along Sirius' ribcage. He picked up one of the mutilated arms and shakily pressed it to his lips.

"Wh-what are you doing." Sirius sobbed.

James pulled Sirius down onto the bed, holding one of his arms.

"You're not ruined, Sirius. And I fucking love you."

Sirius finally opened his eyes in shock, staring at his best friend, and for the first time in weeks, he genuinely smiled.

"I-I love you too." he whispered shakily.


End file.
